


Left Behind

by rekiwi



Category: SK8 the Infinity (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Crying, Everyone Needs A Hug, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Oblivious Hasegawa Langa, Pining Kyan Reki, Sad Kyan Reki, Unrequited Love, ep9 spoliers ?, loving you is a losing game, renga
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-16 07:42:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29946729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rekiwi/pseuds/rekiwi
Summary: The feeling of not being good enough.
Relationships: Hasegawa Langa & Kyan Reki, Hasegawa Langa/Kyan Reki
Comments: 3
Kudos: 59





	Left Behind

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I decided to post my Twitter threads about Renga on here, too!  
> I hope you like them.

_Fuck_.

He couldn't do this anymore. All he did was run away, every time.   
Reki couldn't remember the last time he actually looked Langa in the eyes.

He was ashamed.   
Ashamed that he felt the way he did.   
That he felt so jealous over what Langa had achieved in such a short time.

Langa was known everywhere he went. He didn't even try to get where he was now.   
It just happened.

But Reki? Reki had worked hard.   
And he didn't get anywhere.   
He wasn't even a 'rookie'.

Reki was just... there.

He gulped as he felt tears shooting into his eyes.

_I can't cry now. That's so pathetic._   
_Why are you crying? You have no reason for it._

_You're weak._

_You're nothing._

_Nothing at all._

As Reki walked away from S – abandoning everything he's worked so hard for – he felt lost.  
This time he actually did it. He quit.

But why... why did he feel like he left something there? 

Something so important to him that he didn't want to lose it.  
No.

Reki shook his head, trying to get the thoughts out of his head.  
This was the right choice.

  
He did it for Langa and himself.

This was the correct choice. _Right?_

* * *

"Reki!" He flinched.  
 _Who was that?_ He laughed emotionless.  
Why was he asking?  He already knew.

As foot steps approached him, a weird feeling spread in his stomach.

"What are you doing here? Don't you have a race to win?" Reki didn't turn around. 

He wanted to convince himself that it was because he couldn't stand Langa anymore. Really.  
But truth was that if he looked at him in this moment of weakness,  
he might regret what he did.

"Where are you going, Reki?" Langa didn't even acknowledge what Reki said.  
He looked exhausted from running all the way from the race to outside of S.  
 _Why didn't he just use his board?_  
"Home."

"Are you not feeling well? I saw you earlier and went to look for you but you were... gone."  
Reki shook his head and swallowed whatever was stuck in his throat so that he could talk properly.

  
_Just smile and it will be okay. He won't notice._   
_He didn't before, why would he now?_

Slowly he built up the courage to turn around.

_ It will be fine. _

_ Everything will be fine. _

They'll just talk for a few seconds and then Langa is going to leave again. _Yeah._

So why was it that when he looked at Langa – who was leaning forward and trying to catch his breath again – his eyes immediately began to sting again?

The feeling of leaving something – no, some _one_ – behind grew bigger by the second.

Reki's lips began to tremble.  
He needed an escape.

The moment Reki thought that, Langa's head shot up.  
"So, actually I need your hel-" He paused. Reki attempted to smile.  
It was a pathetic try.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

  
_What's wrong? What's_ wrong _? Did Langa really just ask Reki what was_ wrong _?_  


Suddenly he wasn't so sad anymore. No.  
He actually was happy for the decision he made.  
He made the right choice.

Reki knew it wasn't Langa's fault. He didn't blame him.  
Not fully, at least.

"Ah, it's nothing really", Reki said.  
"I just received bad news so I wanted to go home. That's it." 

No, it was not it. 

Why was Reki always on the giving end? 

Why was Langa never trying to give? 

Why was Reki trying to hard when Langa seemed to master everything so effortlessly?

Quickly Reki turned away from him. He couldn't let Langa see him cry.

"I'm going to head out now. See ya."  
Reki's steps were fast.  
He wanted to leave as quickly as he could. 

"Hey, wait!" Langa called out. 

"I actually... um... Maybe this is a bad moment but could you maybe... fix my board...? It broke in the race..."

Reki's eyes grew wide. 

A wave of fear and excitement overcame him. It _broke_? 

Did that mean he won the race against JOE even with a broken deck? 

Was he okay? 

Langa really was incredible.

Then Reki came to a halt. _No_. 

Langa wasn't incredible. 

_What am I thinking? Embarrassing._

_You're still proud of him._

_You. A nobody._

_Proud of someone far out of your league._

_Pathetic._

The warm feelings disappeared as sudden as it came.

Was that the only reason he came after him?  
It must have been. That was all Reki was good for.  
Skateboards.

Was that what Langa thought of him? 

As someone that he can just ask for custom builds because they were friends. 

Friends... When Reki thought of that he felt sick.

He had to end it.  
Whatever their relationship was, it wasn't good for either of them.

"You know what? I'm done, Langa. I'm done chasing after you."  


"W– What?? What do you mean 'chasing me'? We're friends, aren't we?  
We're equals? We're... on the same level? Why would you be chasing me?" 

"Don't act like that. You know it." 

Reki's sight began to get blurry. _Fuck_.

"I'm so done with being put behind you!  
I'm done with standing in the shadow of your spotlight! It was all good before we went to S together, can't you tell?!  
We grew apart, Langa.  
We're not good for each other anymore. It's exhausting running after you, you know?  
I'm done."

Reki didn't realize he was yelling until he saw the few people that were around all staring at them. 

"I'm... nothing to you. I'm nothing FOR you. You... do what you want. I don't care anymore."  
 _Lies_. _Nothing but a bunch of lies_.  
The problem wasn't that he didn't care anymore.

The problem was that Reki cared _too much_.  
So much that it hurt.

It hurt seeing Langa get himself in trouble and even injured in the end.

It hurt watching Langa get more and more out of reach.

  
It felt as if Reki was reaching out to him but he was facing the other direction.

"All I really wanted was a friend to skate with, you know."

Suddenly everything felt so quiet. 

The world held her breath. 

The moon was watching them from far above their heads,  no cloud was in sight.

"But you are so much more to me now, Langa. I can't stand it anymore.

It... I don't want to hold you back. So I'm not going to.

You have your fun. I'm... leaving, I guess.

Goodbye, Langa."

"Wait! Reki!" He heard Langa yell behind him, but all he focused on was to get away.   
As fast as possible.

Ever since Reki introduced Langa to S, everything went downhill.   
Nothing was like it used to be.   
And he didn't know if he ever knew Langa.

Not as in 'That's Langa, we go to school together.'   
Reki wanted to know _Langa_.   
He wanted to know what Langa's favourite breakfast was,   
what Langa was like before he moved away from Canada.

But it all didn't matter anymore, anyway. Langa broke their promise, so Reki broke off their friendship.   
It was almost like they broke up.

Almost...

* * *

Reki nearly tripped when he ran by a group of people that were showing up late to the final races.  
The effort of hiding his tears and quieting his sobs was long gone.

Almost.  
It's such a sad word.

It was almost like they broke up.  
When Reki saw Langa on his board, devastated about the lack of love he had for skating – in this very moment, Reki _almost_ ran to him.  
The urge to hug him was too big.

Bigger, however, was the pain he felt in his chest now.

Reki felt sick.  
His stomach tightened.  
He quickly went down on his knees, curling up, trying to stop the aching feeling that spread in his belly.  
If he had eaten something earlier, it would have definitely left his body.

Throwing up would even feel like a relief to him, but there was nothing that could have come back up.

* * *

Still on the ground,   
catching his breath with quick gasps, Reki laughed.   
He was pathetic. He was so pathetic, it was hilarious. 

"'Goodbye, Langa'?", he said, to no one in particular – no one was around anyway.   
God, he was miserable.   
Making himself suffer like that.

He could've confessed his love and it wouldn't have hurt like that.   
But now? Now he'd ruined any chance.   
Because he was jealous.

Right.

_Pathetic._

Why wasn't it enough to support Langa?   
They had never been on the same level and will never be.   
15 years of experience in snowboarding were something Reki could never catch up to.

But why... why was it not enough?   
To see Langa.   
Cheer on him.   
Meet up and have a good time.

_Why was it not enough to be there for Langa?_

All he wanted was someone he could skate with.   
And he had it.   
Not for long, though. 

'Skating is my happiness' my ass. Reki from the past – if you saw yourself now, would you make the same decisions all over again?

  
Would you change anything?

  
_Maybe I would_ , Reki thought.

_Maybe I wouldn't tell Langa about S._   
_Not ask him to come with me to deliver that one skateboard._   
_Maybe I would keep him at arm length, too._   
_Maybe my heart wouldn't ache as much now, then._

Reki's laugh slowly turned into coughs.   
_Fuck_.   
All the running really had a bad effect on him.

Once he calmed down, Reki rolled on his back and lifted an arm as if he was reaching for the moon.

"But... I'm still happy I got to meet you, Langa", he whispered.

"I had a good time with you. I'm just... I'm sorry.   
I'm sorry I can't keep up with you. 

Maybe if I could we would still be a good match."


End file.
